Marty Supreme (2025) - 7/10
This is basically Forrest Gump if Forrest had elite talent, zero humility, and a burning desire to be the biggest arsehole in every room he's in. Instead of stumbling through major moments of history charming everyone with his innocence like Forrest does, Marty instead bulldozes through his own massive fuck ups with pure, world-class arrogance. He's a super-cocky know-it-all who somehow still gets rewarded. It's the sort of film you should show your kids to teach them how not to become successful. By the end I couldn't be sure if I should be rooting for him or praying for his demise. This is being described in the media as a "table tennis movie" when really it's about table tennis in the same way Forrest Gump is about shrimping. It's an entertaining watch though, and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.
The Rip (2026) - 6/10
If you enjoy Hollywood A Listers being moody whilst they wield two-handed guns with one hand like they’re holding iced coffees, firing endlessly without recoil, reloading or consequences, then this is for you. Gun safety violations apart, the plot is interesting enough but it jumps from being predictable as fuck one moment to too clever for its own good the next. Damon and Affleck together again is obviously the major pull and watching them settle decades of friendly resentment in front of a camera is worth a watch. For scene after scene they glare, shove, and emotionally clothesline each other like it's a Celebrity Death Match with a blockbuster budget. In the end they both sort of win - or lose, depending on your perspective - I suppose. I think I've just seen too many of these sort of films over the years to be blown away by them anymore.
John Candy (2025) - 6/10
John Candy had no chance really. Given the size he was and his family history of heart disease, it was coming for him sooner or later. He was only 43 when he passed which seems incredibly young until you realise his own father died at 35 from the same thing! It must be incredibly tough growing up without a father and eating your feelings is absolutely an approach many take. But it's still incredibly sad, given how much he was adored and how much happiness he spread with his talent.
Ballerina (2025) - 4/10
Look, I'd watch Ana de Armas do anything. Literally anything. Someone could release a film of her reading the manual of a Worcester Bosch Greenstar 4000 30kW boiler and I'd give it a go. She glides through the John Wick universe with lethal grace, fantastic posture, that incredible arse and a face so perfect that Helen of Troy would be jealous. The gist of this movie is basically, "gorgeous woman seeking vengeance by kicking people in the face", so if that sounds like your thing, then off you go. I've realised of late that I'm just not into fighting films any more. They literally do nothing for me. I haven't liked any of the previous John Wick films and I barely liked this one either. If there ever was a spy/assassin as good looking as De Armas, having her being punched in the nose constantly would be a terrible use of her attributes. But everything about the John Wick films is ridiculous and this latest installment is no different.
The King (2019) - 3/10
Medieval dramas involving privately-educated pricks clanking around in armour and doing shit Shakespeare impressions generally aren't my thing, but I fully intended to watch this one. Until, that is, the accents showed up and chose violence. At least when these Southern pricks talk their posh, gilded-spoon-up-the-arse English they're being genuine. Within minutes, American actors are heard drifting between "vaguely British", "confused Irish" and "fella who learned English entirely from watching Black Adder and Braveheart after a night down the pub. It’s like the director told every actor to do an accent but didn't specify which one. Even the British actors are at it. I spent most of my time trying to decipher their vowel choices when I should have been following the plot, which from what I could tell was mostly mud, shouting and Timothée Chalamet looking like a Victorian ghost in his dad's fancy dress outfit. Eventually, with a migraine brewing, I turned it off. Shite.
Nosferatu (2024) - 6/10
On my They-Could-Have-Got-A-Fitter-Bird scale, I think they've pretty much smashed it in this. Lily-Rose Depp is the perfect combination of good-looking and Looks-Like-Skeletor that fits the bill here perfectly. When the hair and make-up departments aren't trying to make her look like a corpse, she is very shaggable, but here she is as gaunt and as gothic as you'd want. This is a classic vampire film but done modernly with proper cameras and a proper budget. In a world where everyone looks permanently traumatized, everything looks permanently damp, and questionable shadows have people constantly looking over their shoulder with haunted eyes, it reminded me a lot of my early sexual experiences. For what they were trying to achieve, they've absolutely done it. It'll certainly leave you craving sunlight on your skin and a nice warm brew.
Relay (2024) - 6/10
This is an interesting film in which you find yourself wondering, "Does shit like this really go on?" The world is mad place - especially in 2026 - so it probably does. These relay workers must have heard some shit. It struck a chord with me how you can have this sort of relationship with someone without ever actually speaking to them on the phone. There are plenty of whispered conversations delivered via burner phones, so in that sense it reminds me a lot of all the time I've spent calling sex lines over the years. There really is nothing more dangerous, intimate, or thrilling than taking the opportunity whilst your wife is in the bath to sneak into the spare bedroom with some tissues and a tub of vaseline to grunt down the phone to a mysterious voice on the other end. It's about secrets, surveillance, paranoia and corporate conspiracies, although disappointing, not once is anyone asked, "So... what are you wearing?"
The Brutalist (2025) - 6/10
This is a film about a Hungarian-Jewish Holocaust survivor who gets separated from his family and travels to New York to make a new life for himself. It touches on romance, on hard-work, on the immigrant struggle and, most importantly, on how the only thing László loves more than his wife is concrete. Adrien Brody plays the part very well; you can see in his eyes how torn he is between human connection and the seductive promise of reinforced cement. When he's not thinking about load-bearing walls, he's either re-living his trauma or doing heroin in an attempt to make it through to bed-time. The cinematography and musical compositons are great and you definitely come out of the film feeling like you've experienced something, but what exactly? I'm not so sure. I definitely felt like I wasn't clever enough to be the films intended audience though, which did feel marginally insulting. It's a mad film but worth a watch.
Wake Up Dead Man (2025) - 5/10
This is the latest installment of the Knives Out franchise, which essentially are feature-length games of Cluedo repackaged for Gen Z who haven't got the patience themselves to sit down and play a board game. Somehow, yet again, every other character is a bigger prick than Benoit Blanc, which takes some doing. You know the format, it's been done since the dawn of time. Some cunt comes to a sticky end and we have to figure out who's done it... Yeah, I know. There's smug rich people, deceit and dodgy accents aplenty, although, again, it's a let down compared to the original Knives Out, which had Ana de Armas in it, so of fucking course it's not going to be as good as that.
Train Dreams (2025) - 6/10
I love getting the train. There's something about sitting there, staring out the window and seeing the world shoot by that inspires melancholy, and in a fast-moving world where you don't have time for anything, I very much appreciate that. I also enjoy eyeing-up good-looking women on the train and imagining an entire shared life together. I like to ask myself, "Where would we go on Honeymoon?", "How many kids would we have?" and, "Why hasn't she looked my way once?" And thus, more melancholy as I mourn a relationship that lasted exactly three stops. This film, too, is very much about the melancholy, about life choices, about doing your best and about consequence. It's slow but in a good way, and I enjoyed seeing a glimpse into how people lived in that part of the world at that point in time. Worth a watch.