Funny film reviews written by you!

Mike has written a total of 1,210 reviews with an average rating of 5. Mike particularly liked Fight Club (1999), Se7en (1995), Snatch (2000), Gladiator (2000), V for Vendetta (2005), The Matrix (1999), The Corporation (2003) and Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008).

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The Guilty (2021) - 6/10

The Danish version of this is great. The rehashed version is alright but not a patch on the original. It got so slated that I nearly didn't bother watching it but it was my top suggestion on netflix and I was looking for some background noise whilst I bathed and dismembered all my barbie dolls, so on it went. I had to pause it at one point because it just felt too weird masturbating with the freshly washed hair of a decapitated barbie doll wrapped around my dick with Jake Gyllenhaal's pained expression staring back at me from the telly. I got it finished though once my dolls were put to bed and I didn't think it was at all as bad as people said. Don't know what they're on about, the fuckin' weirdos.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, October 12, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Schumacher (2021) - 6/10

I went to school with a lad called Michael Schumacher. No shit. I always wondered what would happen when the police stopped him in his car and asked for his name. Would love to see that scenario unfold. Anyway, the proper Michael Schumacher was obviously a superb racing car driver and a thrill seeker, which, sadly, led to his demise really. When you're jumping out of planes left, right and centre and literally skiing off-piste in life in general, there's a chance you'll come unstuck. It's crazy how he survived such a dangerous career as a racing car driver only to then suffer terrible injuries whilst skiing. It is incredibly sad though that this happened to someone so young who seemed such a good dad to his kids.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, October 7, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Free Guy (2011) - 5/10

This is a ridiculous film about a Non Playable AI Character coming to life in an online role-playing game and causing mayhem. It reminded me of Scott Pilgrim, so if you enjoyed that, you'll dig this. Obviously I despised Scott Pilgrim and this wasn't much better. I did get a few laughs out of it and I ejoyed seeing Jodie Comer in the first proper film I've seen her in, although I still can't figure out what's going on with her mouth. My wife, at least, enjoyed it, but that could be because Ryan Reynolds is in it.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, October 5, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Another Round (2020) - 6/10

Love a bevy, me. Let's be honest, who doesn't? Well these fellas try maintaining a low level of drunkeness at all times. What could go wrong? Well, it turns out quite a bit. It's a decent watch that goes a long way to glorifying drinking before, obviously, about facing. Although I did still come out of it looking forward to the next time I was getting on it. Proper trigger warning gear for alcoholics.

Posted by Mike on Friday, October 1, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Amy (2015) - 7/10

This is the story of how a troubled girl gets thrust into the limelight much too quickly, before she was anywhere near ready, and how she then fell in with the wrong crowd. The wrong crowd being her boyfriend and eventual husband Blake. He really is a piece of shit and I hope he gets the most severe form of arsehole cancer. He introduced her to drugs which, along with the years of abuse her body suffered from bulimia and alcohol abuse, ultimately killed her at just 27. And what a loss to the world it was because she was immensely talented. All in all, a very sad story.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, September 23, 2021 / imdb / amazon

The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012) - 6/10

You have to be very careful about who you have kids with. We all mostly know that before we do it but still many of us get it wrong. This film is all about that. It's about how people change as they grow up and about how the death of a child can change someone beyond measure, and how often it's the parents' relationship that is mostly tested. And sometimes, ultimately, it fails. It's a sad story but one that would usually be right up my alley. For some reason this one didn't hit the sweet spot for me and I can't exactly put my finger on why. If misery is your thing, you may want to give it a go; otherwise, maybe don't bother. The soundtrack is a belter though and is the best thing about the film.

Posted by Mike on Friday, September 17, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Stillwater (2021) - 6/10

Spent most of this film fairly distracted for the following two reasons. Firstly, the main actress looked a lot like someone and I couldn't decide who. It's either a local newsreader or my mate's wife. Decided it was a slightly-more-attactive-than-either mixture of the two. Secondly, Abigail Breslin - whom for years has been cast as the little kid in absolutely everything - has now grown up and is fairly good looking. This didn't sit well with me because I remember her mostly for being a child and now, all of a sudden, my dick has an opinion of her - and of her tits - which just seemed wrong. Still, it was entertaining enough. Matt Damon plays the emotionally useless dad role perfectly too.

Posted by Mike on Friday, August 13, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Winter Sleep (2014) - 4/10

This is a fucking long ass film. At one point I stopped it to see how long was left only to discover that - after one hour and 25 minutes - there was still one hour and 50 minutes to go! And there is so - and I mean SO(!) - much dialogue. That's normally right up my street but not when it's all in Turkish. Could I really sit through all that time with my eyes glued to the screen in case I missed something crucial in the constant chatting? I was enjoying the story to some degree but it was giving me a headache, so off it went.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, August 12, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Demolition (2015) - 5/10

This film started in disappointment - by not even showing the car crash - and continued on in that vein. I mean come on, Final Destination has been delivering quality death scenes for fucking years now; at least show us a good MDK. Jake Gyllenhaal is generally in good films but he's let himself down here. The idea of the film - a man suffering with the loss of the young wife in a car crash - sounded great to me but it didn't deliver.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, August 10, 2021 / imdb / amazon

In a Better World (2010) - 8/10

This is about bullying and friendships and grief and despair and parenting and all the pressures of life, for teenagers and adults. It absolutely terrifies me because I've got two boys myself and it's scary how quickly they can drift from your circle of trust. One minute you're their hero and next thing they're telling their mates how much of a dickhead you are. Also, the main kid in this is the spit of Steven Gerrard; he even has that same serious frown on his face the entire time. It's pretty distracting how much they look alike actually.

Posted by Mike on Monday, August 9, 2021 / imdb / amazon

A Few Good Men (1992) - 8/10

Demi Moore was fit wasn't she? You know, with them tits and that. And in uniform too and being all stubborn. Oof. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, two bags full. Not that you get to see her tits in this but the subtle suggestion that they are there bursting through the bra beneath the blouse of her officer's uniform is enough. Oh, stop teasing me. Cruise - once again, in effect, playing the Maverick role - is superb too, although Jack Nicholson steals the show despite being in only three scenes.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, August 5, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Custody (2017) - 6/10

This is the uplifting story of divorce, custody battles, picking sides, anger, crying, fighting and distress for all involved. It's a real family film, if you know what I mean. With some very difficult to watch scenes, it certainly delivers on what is suggested throughout. The message here is fairly simple; be very fucking sure about who you have kids with. And even then, you may still be fucked.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, August 4, 2021 / imdb / amazon

You Don't Know Jack (2010) - 6/10

This is the story of Jack Kevorkian, a doctor who was very much in favour of euthanasia and even conducted many physician-assisted suicides. He risked his freedom to help people who wanted to die before their illnesses got any worse at a time when it was very much frowned on - and, in fact, a crime - in the US. That assisted suicide is legal in a handful of states now is largely down to his work. Not exactly a barrell of laughs but there you go.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, August 3, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Palm Springs (2020) - 6/10

This is basically Groundhog Day but based in the desert and with a much better looking cast. Cristin Milioti especially does it for me. She looks a bit like a bug; a very good-looking bug at that. Her eyes are much too big for her head and the same could be said for her mouth and teeth, which, to be honest, are the bits of the face I'm most interested in. Plus she's only small, which also does it for me. Knowing I can easily overpower a woman definitely tingles my bajingles.

Posted by Mike on Monday, August 2, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Precinct Seven Five (2014) - 6/10

There are bent coppers who turn a blind eye and take a little off the top and then there is the likes of Michawl Dowd who are criminals first and foremost and police officers second. It's incredible what he got away with but even more incredible that he even had the balls to do many of them in the first place. And this sort of thing probably still goes on the world over, too.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, July 28, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Train to Busan (2016) - 6/10

You've heard of snakes on a plane? Well this is zombies on a train. And they're what I would call proper zombies, not the aimless shifting around uninterested types. These are the ultra agressive, want-to-rip-your-throat-out types. If zombies are your thing, you'll enjoy it.

Posted by Mike on Monday, July 26, 2021 / imdb / amazon

The Mauritanian (2021) - 6/10

I'm getting a bit sick of seeing this guy in everything nowadays. It would seem any time you need a brown fella then he is the Go To. He's like the Muslim Will Smith. Bravo to this agent, I reckon. Anyway, in this he plays a guy who finds himself in Guantanamo and in it we discover exactly what he did - or rather, didn't do - to get there. Obviously there is loads of torture and loads of subsequent forced confessions and, of course, it's based on a true story because they actually did all those disgusting things to people. Americahhhh, fuck yeah!

Posted by Mike on Thursday, July 22, 2021 / imdb / amazon

There Will Be Blood (2007) - 7/10

This is a film about a man who keeps getting woken up from his drunken slumber with bad news. He's an oil man, which means he's an expert at digging holes, most of which he does whilst looking for oil. He's also a horrible, horrible man and a terrible father. But, you know, power and money etc. Like many of his films, this is worth watching just to see Daniel Day-Lewis do his thing. For a guy who has only ever been in 21 films, the fact that he has won the Leading Role Oscar in three of them is fucking preposterous.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, July 21, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Honey Boy (2019) - 6/10

Shia LaBeouf is obviously a fucking nutcase; the type of nutcase that is the product of dysfunctional parenting and that's what makes him perfect for this film because that is what this film is about. About how easily, as a parent, you can fuck up your kids. It's scary, to be honest. This, actually, was written by La Boeuf and is basically a biographical account of much of his own childhood. Which explains why he does such a good job with the role of the father because he's lived with it his whole life.

Posted by Mike on Monday, July 19, 2021 / imdb / amazon

News of the World (2020) - 5/10

Wasn't expecting much from this because generally stuff set in the far past usually doesn't tickle my balls in the same way that present day set stuff does. It was alright, like. Basically just show much of a dangerous place America was back in the day, when everyone had a gun and you were always likely to be shot up just for eyeballing someone in the wrong way... Much like it is today.

Posted by Mike on Friday, July 16, 2021 / imdb / amazon

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