Train Dreams (2025) - 6/10
I love getting the train. There's something about sitting there, staring out the window and seeing the world shoot by that inspires melancholy, and in a fast-moving world where you don't have time for anything, I very much appreciate that. I also enjoy eyeing-up good-looking women on the train and imagining an entire shared life together. I like to ask myself, "Where would we go on Honeymoon?", "How many kids would we have?" and, "Why hasn't she looked my way once?" And thus, more melancholy as I mourn a relationship that lasted exactly three stops. This film, too, is very much about the melancholy, about life choices, about doing your best and about consequence. It's slow but in a good way, and I enjoyed seeing a glimpse into how people lived in that part of the world at that point in time. Worth a watch.
Misery (1990) - 7/10
The morale of this story is that all women are cray-cray. I know I may be overstating that, but come on. We've all had girlfriends and wives long enough to know that this is the case. In many cases, it's not even their fault; it's the hormones. But that doesn't stop it being true. I'm obviously joking here because Annie Wilkes is spectacularly unwell, but you know what I mean. You didn't watch Jaws and then think that all fish will fuck you up given the chance, did you? It's not out of order to suggest that Kathy Bates (as Annie) delivers here one of the most iconic performances in cinema history. I, like Annie, despise continuity errors in fiction but are they punishable by death? Well, that's for you to decide. Annie has certainly made her mind up. The genius of Misery is how it weaponises home comforts. A cosy house, a comfortable bed and a bottle of wine with your meal all seem well and good until you've got a smirking psychopath offering you a biscuit with a scalding cup of tea so close to your face. This is the most realistic horror film you'll probably ever see and therefore it deserves a lot of respect.
Filth (2013) - 4/10
Watching this is like being trapped in the mind of a bad man who thinks collecting women like football cards is the most entertaining game ever, especially when off your face. It's one of the most misogynistic films you'll ever see, and given everything we know about Hollywood, that's saying something. In fact, I think that's what Irvine Welsh set out to do. Imagine a person whose entire personality was contempt for women and you've got the main character in this. I think we're meant to be repulsed by it rather than to celebrate it, so if you actual enjoy this, then you're a massive twat. I bet if your teenage nephew watched it, it'd be his favourite film ever. The only person Bruce hates more than he hates women is himself. It is grimy, chaotic and aggressively Scottish, yet, somehow, paints a portrait of a man on a path to self-destruction bringing as many others down with him as he can. I recognised all of that, yet I didn't like it, because of all the above, which is strange, because I hate women as much as anyone.
Sinners (2025) - 5/10
This is basically what From Dusk Till Dawn would have been if you'd ordered it off Alibaba. It, like From Dusk Till Dawn, is basically a film in two parts, where the first part is all serious and setting the scene and the second part is, well, fucking vampires. Both films have fantastic lighting based in wooden shacks, and both contain numerous people of questionable morals and pits them up against a bunch of bloodsucking baddies. Neither do the shift from part one to part two subtly and that's sort of the point. More films should follow this arc. Imagine Andy fretting all that time in Shawshank prison, only so that when he eventually emerges, covered in shit, from that pipe, and with his hands to the sky, a fucking vampire jumps on his back and rips out his throat! Now you're talking! Or Gladiator whereby, instead of tigers coming out the ground to munch on Maximus, they instead released vampires! I'd watch that. Or imagine Ripley getting to LV-426 and she's greeted by a bunch of - actually, no; that can't be improved upon. The big-titted, cocoa-skinned elephant in the room, though, is that there's no Salma Hayek equivalent. Sinners has plenty of dancing and plenty of menace, but nothing quite as delightful as Hayek shimmying to the enchanting melody of After Dark. But really, has there ever been? I don't think so, so good on them for not even trying. There is one plot hole bigger than the Grand Canyon in this though, but when another plot point is vampires, you can't really question too much.
The Greatest Night in Pop (2024) - 6/10
Have you ever wondered how the biggest popstars in America would have coped on Pop Idol? Well watch this and you'll know. It documents the moments that they were brought together to sing a song in an attempt to save starving Africans. The most interesting bit is how they interact with each other, how they try to out-do each other and, crucially, how they deal with realising they're not the biggest talent in the room. Some, like Springsteen and Lauper, shine despite not being the most gifted and others, like Dylan, spend the entire time looking for a rock on the ground to climb under. Good on him for even showing up, and fair fucks to the lot of them for doing their bit right into the early hours.
Predator: Badlands (2025) - 4/10
Have you ever, whilst watching the original Predator, asked yourself, "I wonder how the Predator got to be such a good hunter and all round magnificently hard bastard?" No? Me neither. Because that's what this film tries to explain, as it delivers a teenage Predator with an attitude to some mad planet even more deadly than Australia. Imagine God had got bored of creating Earth after a couple of days and instead went on a bender; that's what this place is like. It's the latest of a long line of classic movies that have been remade for a new idiot generatiion. I didn't like it much at all and I own a Predato-themed Christmas t-shirt.
Frankenstein (2025) - 5/10
We all know the story here. Dr Frankenstein creates a monster out of nothing but ambition, human limbs and bits and bobs from his garage. The outcome is an overly dramatic nine foot tall indestructible human-like creature with a degree in Philosophy. I watched this weeks ago and haven't been able to summon even an iota of motivation to write a review for it. That about sums it up. Just a big fat bowl of nothingness which left me inspired to do absolutely sweet FA; not even provide a few sentences of spite for The Internet. If you're into fog and lightning and damp surfaces, then sure, you may dig it, but it wasn't for me. I love Oscar Isaac too, and I'd watch anything he's in. It's just a shame he chose to be in this because it's very average.
Den of Thieves: Pantera (2025) - 4/10
The first Den of Thieves was great because it was a bunch of hard men robbing banks under immense tension then shooting their way out of the trouble they'd got themselves into. That's the sort of action film we all want to see. This sequel is just stupid and loud. Gerard Butler stumbles around confused most of the time looking like he's dealing with concussion whilst playing a game of chicken with heart disease. The plot is a fucking joke and the baddy is so criminally Disney-evil that I half expected him to break into song and dance at one point. This is not a film for serious people.
Kenny Dalglish (2025) - 8/10
It's impossible not to adore Kenny Dalglish. He is one of life's good guys and, for me, as a Liverpool fan, he is so much more. The club's greatest ever legend and, as far as I'm concerned, the greatest living Scouser, despite having been born in Glasgow. This film goes some way to showing why he is so loved by so many, Liverpool fans, football fans, and human beings in general. What a guy. Absolutely worth watching, despite your football allegiances.
Ballad of a Small Player (2025) - 4/10
There's something inexplicably watchable about Colin Farrel. I've always thought that, despite him now having been in some dreadful films. Of late, he's been generally playing the worn out, middle-aged drunk, which is a big change from his early days of him playing the hunk. And it's more of the same here, although it's not even that entertaining. I'd say it's like the worst hangover you've ever had becoming sentient and booking a trip to Macau, but that makes it sound too appealing. It felt to me like a bunch of independent short stories based around the same character using the same actor, but with the only thing to connect them being the beautiful cinematography. There is a sniff of a storyline but it's all over the place and indulges some massive leaps of faith over some monumental crevasses, meaning generally it comes across as an awful whiff. Avoid.