Take a large bowl, throw in one kick arse-all action bad boy, infect with the 'Chinese Shit', sprinkle in a shit load of gangsters and hitmen, then whisk till frothy add a large metal spoon and microwave, the resulting explosive mess will be something like this movie. Excellent!
I hate moron comedy, I hate Ben Stiller and therefore I hate Zoolander. I dont give a shit if he cant turn left, the only place he should be turning is swiftly into the path of a large, runaway artic truck.
Fuck, its overused now, its everywhere, fucking this and fucking that, I've heard grannys use it, small children, MTV hardly bother to bleep it anymore its all just so pas-fucking-sé. Ray Winston etc all seem to agree, we dont want none of this common as fuck swearing shit, no no no. So this is a call to arms brothers, throw away the old, common, overused fuck and embrace the new king, the new flagship, the new grail..... cunt. You know you love it.
Arnie takes on an entire army on his own, none of this stealth crap either, hes no ninja, he just runs into a field with his belt fed MG31 and unloads and unloads and unloads, mega death follows till he ends up face to face with Bennet the knife wielding psycho , chainmail sporting, semi queer, bad guy. Needless to say its typical Arnie of the era, lots of guns, camo face paint and shirt off action. Its the 80's at its best! Bonus points go to the first to name his now famous daughter...
Michael Douglas has a very very bad day. Though if your going to snap then this is the way to do it, none of this breaking down like a little girl, wailing and crying shit, man the fuck up and do a Douglas.
Tony Stark is my hero, he doesnt care what you think of him, he doesnt care about his position, he's Iron Man FFS. Now I'm sure most of you watch this for the story, the special effects etc. Me? No, I watch this for the porn. What porn I hear you shout, have I missed a end of credit scene? Have I not entered the correct Konami code? No, its the gadget porn, that phone, oh yesssss please! His whip-out-pop-up Iron Man suitcase? Oh suit you. And as for JARVIS, I'd swap my balls for it....
Imagine a hidden cave, a sacred hidden cave, hidden from man for thousands of years, guarded by monks, monks that are only spoken about in whispers and myths. In this cave, its walls sparkling the deepest green with emeralds, its floor layered in cushions so soft its like clouds, grows the original Ganja plant, from where royal Shivas blood once touched the ground, this is the Green Zone, its the most beautiful place on earth and this film has got absolutely fuck all to do with it. Its shit.
Ninjas, fucking everywhere, you cant see the little bastards but you know their about. You can feel there little beady eyes watching you. Trained over years to be the ultimate killers, silent, steathly and deadly. In this one of the highly trained pyjama wearing nutters decides to up and leave the order, massive disrespect as you can imagine, why does he leave? where does he go? Will he take revenge? The rumour is hes off to join the enemy, the arch enemy, the Pirates!!! :-).
I say old boy you heard about this trivial issue with the local wildlife? Wildlife, what the help get up to when not working? No no old boy, over in Africa, seems the new fangled rail lines are going up rather slower than expected, some issue with a few lions or something. Really? Lions you say, hmmm. Yes, man eaters apparently, eaten half the workforce, bloody poor show. Indeed, indeed, you would of thought the locals would be used to it really. Yes. Hmmm. Cognac? What a splendid idea...
Ok here we go Round 2, I can see Mr Bay in pre production for this, "I want bigger robots, more explosions, better CGI, awesome sets, I want bigger, better, sexier, go, go, go!!!!" Well I can tell you he got his way, its all stepped up a level well apart from Megan Fox but is hard to improve upon perfection. Never going to win awards as a classic but watch it with the lads on a big tv with loads of volume and it does the job perfectly.