This film sucks. You know how black holes absorb absolutely everything, even light? That nothing can escape, no matter what you hold onto you'll get sucked in anyway? Well this film sucked more than that.
This film isn't great, but oh my, Jessica Alba is just so incredibly fit in it. It hurts, because as you watch it, you just know that this is a girl in her prime, and that as the years go by this girl will not just age, she will grow colder as she gets worn down by life, relationships and ambition. She will cry, her heart will be broken, her innocence will be chipped away at, and little pieces of her will be lost, until one day, she will be but a shadow of her former self. So cherish this film, for that.
Take a large bowl, throw in one kick arse-all action bad boy, infect with the 'Chinese Shit', sprinkle in a shit load of gangsters and hitmen, then whisk till frothy add a large metal spoon and microwave, the resulting explosive mess will be something like this movie. Excellent!
I enjoy watching this film nearly as much as I enjoy beating on my wife... I'm only kidding; she's not really my wife. Why the hell would I marry her? Bitch never does as she's told... Just kidding again; I don't beat on her. How could I? She's just a child... Oh I'm kidding again; she's not really a child, she just looks that way because of her special needs... OK OK, she doesn't have special needs... Seriously though, she is a bitch.
This movie does not exist. It never happened. If you ever come across a DVD or VHS tape labeled “Godfather III” it’s an obvious error, feel safe to throw it away and continue on with your life.
Watching this film all the way through is a bit like playing a video game with a ridiculously hard end boss. You're enjoying yourself for the most part, but then you reach the climax and the fucking bastard just won't die. So you slog away, ignoring your mum's calls to lunch and dinner. Finally you hit the right combination of buttons and he dies! Having not eaten or showered all day suddenly doesn't seem worth it. And all you've got to show for it is more lost childhood and a really sore thumb.
I think I'm in love with Megan Fox. Actually, you know what? I'm not, really. I just want to fuck her. Sure, maybe one day we could meet, fall in love, have a solid, comfortable connection. She'd be my rock; the mother of my kids; my better half. That would be love. Right now I just want to put my dick in it. There, I said it. And if you watch this film, so will you. Although, it is, as expected, a bit shit.
The best time travelling film I've seen. And believe me, I know about time travelling. Easily better than all other time travelling films, with only Ramborg 3, which is released in 2029, coming close to it.
Your mother sucks cock in hell? Well, fuck. That's just, I mean... Fuck.