So this was billed as the female version of The Hangover, and any of you with girlfriends will realise that female hangovers are a fucking pain in your arse. Just because she can't handle her drink, doesn't mean you should spend all of Sunday listening to her whinge. And she "didn't even drink that much"? Sure she didn't. Well fuck her and her slaggy, vodka guzzling friends. No I fucking won't go to McDonalds for you, and no, you greedy pig, there's no fucking chocolate in the house. Now can you please be quiet? I'm trying to watch the F1.

The fuss that was made over this film was the biggest over-reaction since the Y2K Bug. Only in a world where you can drive a pick up truck into a train head on and survive, might you believe that kids can save the world from aliens. By the end of this I couldn't wait for the army to come in blow them all to shit. The kids, I mean, not the aliens. Because they annoyed the fuck out of me.

So the traditional newspaper industry is dying, beaten to within an inch of it's pathetic life by Social Media. I truly couldn't give any less of a fuck. Newspapers have had their day and it's time for them to piss off. If the power of Social Media and the Internet means I can watch a YouTube video on my laptop of two monkeys 69'ing from a zoo in Indonesia that was uploaded 2 minutes ago, which was emailed to be by a friend of mine whilst I have a dump and listen to illegally downloaded music, then I'm all for it.

Tom Cruise has been associated with the action genre longer than Hoover have been associated with vacuum cleaners, so he's getting pretty good at jumping through windows and shit. If he wants to tackle a true mission impossible, though, for the inevitable next chapter in the series, he should try convincing my wife that she'd enjoy anal. I've tried everything, from spoiling her with flowers and chocolates to threats of physical violence, and it's just not happening. What a fucking bitch.

Tom Cruise has been associated with the action genre longer than Hoover have been associated with vacuum cleaners, so he's getting pretty good at jumping through windows and shit. If he wants to tackle a true mission impossible, though, for the inevitable next chapter in the series, he should try convincing my wife that she'd enjoy anal. I've tried everything, from spoiling her with flowers and chocolates to threats of physical violence, and it's just not happening. What a fucking bitch.

So this was billed as the female version of The Hangover, and any of you with girlfriends will realise that female hangovers are a fucking pain in your arse. Just because she can't handle her drink, doesn't mean you should spend all of Sunday listening to her whinge. And she "didn't even drink that much"? Sure she didn't. Well fuck her and her slaggy, vodka guzzling friends. No I fucking won't go to McDonalds for you, and no, you greedy pig, there's no fucking chocolate in the house. Now can you please be quiet? I'm trying to watch the F1.

So the traditional newspaper industry is dying, beaten to within an inch of it's pathetic life by Social Media. I truly couldn't give any less of a fuck. Newspapers have had their day and it's time for them to piss off. If the power of Social Media and the Internet means I can watch a YouTube video on my laptop of two monkeys 69'ing from a zoo in Indonesia that was uploaded 2 minutes ago, which was emailed to be by a friend of mine whilst I have a dump and listen to illegally downloaded music, then I'm all for it.

Fuck these beautiful people with their fairy tale romances full of quirky humour, a catchy, upbeat pop soundtrack and happy-ever-after. Normal people have to make do with someone they can put up with for 40 years who doesn't mind your farting in bed or how you leave fucking hair every-fucking-where. But they don't mention this shit in Hollywood, do they? Fucking Hollywood. Mila Kunis though... God damn! I would be all sorts of polite to her. Really lay that charm the fuck down.